The Worst Broadband Offering in the World

Services providers have been the bain of my existence, and I'm sure yours, dear reader, since the history of the beginning of the development of the human species towards a technologically advanced era.

It is ironic that the more we think we are progressing, the less we actually get anywhere. I speak as a South African living in Joburg, you understand.

Johannesburg has been around as a 'place to be' for 124 years. Telkom, and its evolution, has been around since 1991, which makes it 19 years old. I thought I heard on the radio yesterday that they were boasting the acquisition of new cables to their existing system in a deal with SEACOM. But I struggle to get excited these days. They can knock themselves out laying cables undersea but what good is that to me when they can't even get my cable at home working.

The first one was struck by lightning. It took about 5 days to fix. One week later, it was split in two, because a truck drove down the street and the bloody cable was strung across it. That took 4 days to fix. 2 weeks later, the same thing happened, and they responded in 4 days. This is only due to my screaming insanely and threatening to slit my wrists. Yet another week later, and that feeling of deja vu was very strong indeed. I was beginning to think the internet gods were punishing me.

I must also inform you that the internet is my work. Without it, I cannot work. And if the gods were constantly slashing my cable what message should I draw from this? Were they trying to tell me to stop working so hard? Take a break Val, there's more to life than the internet. Or perhaps they were merely telling me to fire Telkom.

So with my cable strewn across the lawn like a limp and dead fish, neglected and forlorn, I thought, OK, I have been patient with the call centre morons, I have begged, pleaded, sweet-talked, and finally shouted - everything but bribed. I have asked to speak to a senior person, who was, of course, in a meeting, what do you expect? And who is apparently very good at returning calls, according to the call fault reporting 10212 kippie. In the end, I decided to take my power back. I can't control them, so I'll go somewhere else. Hah! That was the joke of the week.

On the line to Neotel:
Me: I'm looking for telecommunication options, tell me do you have coverage over my area?
Him: What's your full address?
I give it to him
Silence.
After a while he finally informs me that he is busy checking.
Me: Ok, so while we're busy waiting, could you tell me about your service?
Him: Uh... (and a second of brain dead silence)
Me: What is your contract period,what options are available, I am a new customer, I know nothing about you. What can you tell me to help me decide if I want to use you or not?
Him: Well, you've actually come through to the technical department. Let me put you through to sales.
And with that he was gone. I guess he's still waiting to check if there is coverage at the address I gave him.

Sales: Mumble mumble speaking. How can I help you?
Me: I am a new customer. I'm looking for reliable internet connectivity. I know nothing about Neotel. Can you help?
Sales: How much would you like to spend a month?

And so it went. After 5 minutes of grilling, I recieved no help at all. It was like extracting missing brain cells from a headless chicken.

Finally I asked: So is it possible for you to find out whether there is coverage in my area?
Sales: Sorry, you will have to try and call back later, our system is down.
And with that I made up my mind that if that was teh service I was getting before I even got it, then I don't want it.